A Recipe for Happy Relationships? Be in love with yourself!

12.12.2010 | Interviews

Love is for most of us the main motive of our lives. Due to love towards the others, we often forget love towards ourselves...and then we are wandering why we are not happy. What to do with that?

Text: Ada Maxová

Being in love with yourself, being conscious of our value, common self-confidence, all of that is essential. All is a pair of glasses through which we are looking at the world, a projector through which we are reflecting ourselves to the world. A self-confident woman who is aware of her value is personable for other people around her. Moreover, it is only the woman who can get herself and her needs on way in relationships, at work or in all other respects of life. Self-esteem is essential for good relationships. It brings along the need of having a good partner, adequate common demands and of ability to solve crisis situations. It is a person who is conscious of his value, so he does not need to humilitate the other and who can communicate with him without vain emotions and especially without ego, which has caused a lot of problems in the world. After all, what do you think was the launching mechanism for most of wars?

However, how to be self-confident, when we were not born like that or nobody has taught us so? Or when we were told we could not manage anything, we could not expect much in life, or we were not taking enough efforts...Our self-confidence could be ruined by our first (second, third) unhappy love. To get back our self-confidence is a long-distance run. Nevertheless, you can make first steps together with us. Two women, who meed these problems in their practice, will give you some advice: Jitka Herlesová, a psychologist, and Zdeňka Tušková, a lecurer of systemic constellations.

Meet:

PhDr. Jitka Herlesová – She works as a psychologist, specialising in the study of obesity in the OB clinic (www.obklinika.cz). Among the main topics she deals with are meals connected with emotions, interpersonal conflicts, and self-dissatisfaction.

Zdeňka Tušková – a director of Equilibrium, the publishing house in Prague, which focuses also on organising seminars of personal growth. She is a president of Graphological alliance of the Czech Republic. She was certified by Acaemy of Holistic Psycho-therapy in Wiesbaden under prof. N. Pesechklan. She organises education in systemics and deals with family, systemic, business and private coaching. www.konstelace.eu

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Whether we are or are not aware of our value, how is it reflected in our lives?

ZT: Being aware of our value is important for people. The feeling has a lot of aspects and is related to our moral values, value orientation as well as to the meaning of our lives. The one with a good wareness of his value is in love with himself in any case. Regardless of circumstances. He loves himself even in the case he makes mistakes. It is awareness of our dignity and uniqueness.

JH: Our environment is formed by what we are thinkink about ourselves. People are treating us according to what we reflect. Moreover, we feel mor what is in accordance with believes we have about ourselves. This can scare us or please us, but mostly it depends on us.

And how can we recognise self-love, self-confidence?

JH: A self-love means to trust ourselves. To believe ourselves we can manage what life brings along. It also means to be able to ask others for help when something is enough for us. We does not have to be satisfied with everything about us. You only think it is good just as it is. Then, the second thought can be added: “I would like to improve this, but if it is not successful, I will be satisfied still and all.“

ZT: A person who loves himself adequately, is not smug, proud and self-critical, on the other hand he is not full of complexes either. He does not consider himself to be better than other people, he trust himself. There is not difference between a real self and the so-called ideal self, I mean between what he is and what he would like to be. He is happy with himself, eventhough not absolutely. A certain extent of dissatisfaction is a propulsion power and motivation. A self-confined person can accept his imperfection and love himself.

And where does the lack of self-confidence, awareness of our value come from? Are these genes, results of education or experience of life?

ZT: A family influences the awareness of self-value. A family creates does not create conditions for a respect and love, which is essential for creating a self-respect. It is necessary to accept each family member with a respect and each member must have his own place so that he can be giving and taking. Our original family means our roots, which we are gaining from till the end of life. If a respect or love is missing in a family, we can work with that through a systemic work and fix the deficiency.

JH: A genetic equipment can influence the whole sensitivity of our psyche and susceptibility to mental illnesses. In my opinion, upbringing has a breater influence on how we love yourself. But it is important how we will treat entire life.

Is it thrue that a person who is aware of his value has a bigger chance to experience a happy love, a happy relationship?

JH: Objectively, there is no better and worse relationship. There are only relationshops which people are happy more or less with. However, those who have better and thus even more adequate self-confidence can find a suitable partner for themselves. And these people can talk about their problems in their relationships, so there is a high probability that their common relationshop will be satisfying for both of them.

ZT: Of course our relationshops are influenced by awareness of rour self-value. One can the other offer only what he personally has. The one who accepts himself is able to accept the other the way he is. He is able to have a look even further. This is supposed be reflected on the relationship. The one who derives the feeling of his self-value from the fact if he gets confirmation about his self-value from other people, or he proves his self-value with his acts, does not stant by himself. He perceives the other people as an authority which determines his value. Then it is possible that he finds the reason for his problems at this authority. This is not efficient for any relationship. The one who values himself properly, can claim responsibility for his problems. This can help him to find solutions.

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6 steps towards an adequate self-confidence:

1) Stop reprobating yourself because of trifles. For instance, if you want to leanr English and you skip one lesson, it does not mean you are terrible and not allowed to get there next time. It is better to tell yourself that today it did not work out for some reason, but next time it will.

2) Each of us has a talent for something, ingrediences which we can “make a delicious food” from. It is important to recognise tam, to seek what you are good at and to work on that. Realise that it is the same as if you wanted to make a cake from beef of the highest quality. Try a tomato sauce instead, it will be delicious

3) Skip contacts with those who critisize yo, with people that you are not felling good with. By contrast, seek those who will charge your batteries.

4) Be patient. There is a ghigh probability that a miracle will not happen immediately and that you will not wake up strong and self-confident. But realise, it will be better and better.

5) A psychologist can help you to raise your self-confidence. Currently, we are happy to have a lot of courses and seminars of personal growth. Choose the one which is close to your problem.

6) Enjoy your femininity! Being a wide is wonderful and marvelous. If you feel female, men will percieve you in this way, and this is a very pleasant way to feel happy with yourself.